215: Why will no-one play with me?

Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

Discover insights on why no one will play with your child and explore effective strategies for building social skills in children

Does your child have big emotional blow-ups in social situations?

Are they a wallflower who doesn't know how to make friends?

Do they struggle to understand when it's appropriate to interrupt, tell the truth, and follow the rules vs. let things go.

I've been interested in neurodivergence for a while - I'm hoping to do an episode soon on parenting with ADHD, and in the course of research for that a parent in the Parenting Membership recommended the book Why Will No-One Play With Me.

The book is designed to help parents teach their children social skills - and I do think it has some useful ideas in it, but there are some pretty big caveats.

This episode takes a look at the broader set of research on teaching children social skills to ask whether we CAN do it and if we can, whether we SHOULD do it and if we should, what kinds of tools should we use? The popular Social Stories method? Role plays? Peer coaching?

This episode answers questions like:

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• What types of teaching are likely to be beneficial?
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• How can we teach social skills to Autistic children and children with ADHD, as well as neurotypical children?
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• What are the potential later-life impacts of lagging social skills (and do what we miss when we look at it from this perspective)?
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• At what age range is teaching social skills is most likely to succeed?
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• How can we know whether we should teach a child social skills?
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Other episodes mentioned

175: I’ll be me; can you be you?075: Should we Go Ahead and Heap Rewards On Our Kid?061: Can Growth Mindset live up to the hype?Jump to Highlights

00:52 Introducing the topic for this episode

02:59 Social skills programs show small, temporary effects and are more effective when led by experts, with mixed results for neurodivergent children.

09:38 Programs to teach social skills often try to change how neurodivergent kids act and they don't always work well.

24:01 Dr. Carol Gray's Social Stories ™ help children, especially those with autism, understand social situations without directly aiming to change their behavior.

28:59 Terra Vance's adaptations of Social Stories ™ highlight how they sometimes fail to address children's real experiences and emotions.

33:28 Research on parent-led interventions for children with ADHD and autism vary in effectiveness.

43:24 The book "Why Will No One Play With Me" doesn't provide specific references to support its ideas, making it unclear if they're based on research or opinion.

46:30 Teaching social skills includes managing emotions, understanding social norms, and practicing simulations for better responses.

50:49 The "Play Better Bridge to Betterment" model in Why Will No One Play With Me categorizes children's readiness for change into stages: pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance. It emphasizes that children may need support to recognize and modify behaviors.

53:10 Caroline Maguire's approach in "Why Will No One Play With Me" mirrors problem-solving methods, yet it prioritizes a reward system over understanding children's underlying needs.

55:02 Maguire's method in "Why Will No One Play With Me" uses rewards to shape children's behavior, raising concerns about parental control and consent in interactions with their children.

56:46 Maguire's book concludes with exercises aimed at understanding social interactions and unspoken rules, but it raises concerns about imposing norms without considering individual needs and communication styles.

01:02:41 Maguire's book discusses challenges with school communication norms favoring concise storytelling, which often align with White communication styles.

01:06:11 Social skills training often overlooks children's consent and preferences, focusing instead on adult-determined goals, which may affect trust and authenticity in social interactions.

References

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