Kelly and Lexi have not learned from their mistakes and are back to cover the second instalment of Lifetime's collab with the ghost of VC Andrews, Dark Angel. Heaven Casteel has a new name and yet another family to flee, but not before she makes out with her uncle. Some elements of the book were sorely missed, such as the private school poop chute …

Due to relentless demand, Kelly and Lexi emerge from hibernation to tackle Lifetime's adaptation of the VC Andrews hillbilly opus, Heaven. With hugs that turn evil, anachronistic t-shirts, and generic cereals, does this extremely Canadian production live up to our lofty expectations for Fanny et al.? Part one of probably several.…

Only VC Andrews could make it happen: it's a holiday miracle, as Kelly and Lexi are back after all this time. Ruby might be set in the bayou instead of an attic, but it checks all the usual traumatic boxes, including hot parents, shopping sprees, dubious consent, death in childbirth, and, of course, incest. Throw in multiple instances of baby traff…

Have you ever read a book about a witch and thought, I really wish this lady was helpless to the whims of her boyfriend, closest friend, and father? Well good news for you and bad news for us: Kelly and Lexi read L.S. Gagnon's "Witch: A New Beginning" and that's basically the gist. Gruesome violence meets the mildest language this side of the 1950s…

Ladies and germs, it's a big one: join Lexi and Kelly as they discuss the life-changing feminist fantasy masterpiece that is Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon. From the origins of Lexi's "Lancelot Problem" to the threeway that ended Kelly's childhood, this retelling of the Arthurian legend from the women's perspectives set our hostesses on a …

Ladies and germs, it's a big one: join Lexi and Kelly as they discuss the life-changing feminist fantasy masterpiece that is Marion Zimmer Bradley's Mists of Avalon. From the origins of Lexi's "Lancelot Problem" to the threeway that ended Kelly's childhood, this retelling of the Arthurian legend from the women's perspectives set our hostesses on a …

The definition of insanity is Kelly and Lexi reading yet another Jean M. Auel book featuring everyone's least favourite cavemen, Jondalar and Ayla. And while the title of Plains of Passage, the fourth novel in the Earth's Children series, implies movement, change, and action, we get lists of grasses instead. Sure, there is a female utopia gone wron…

Kelly and Lexi briefly emerge from hibernation to experience Fifty Shades Darker, the movie adaptation of the unnecessary novel of the same name by EL James. All of our faves are back - except for the well-meaning director and writer of the first instalment - but there's still lots to talk about like Christian's "smiles", Anastasia's sublime energy…

We couldn't just walk away from VC Andrews' My Sweet Audrina without getting Lifetime's hot take on the whole mess, and so we present a very special, very sober edition of Somedy Wrote This. Starring lots of background noise (dogs, cats, airplanes), we take a look at this made-for-TV oeuvre and how it varies from the novel and why that's ultimately…

It's the one you've been waiting for. Lexi and Kelly read VC Andrews' My Sweet Audrina at your insistence. There are a lot of chips to lay down on our VC Andrews bingo card this time: hot parents, magic hair, a nympho tween, and terrible children's songs about rooms. But this one is so much more than that. It's timeless Southern Gothic where stairc…

Take Bridget Jones and Sex and the City, subtract the humanity and the light, and you're left with Jane Green's Jemima J, an indictment of the late 90s and all the rollerblading and suede that came with them. We're treated to some world-class fat shaming here, along with very early catfishing, staggering generalizations, and characters that are tan…

A librarian acquires a new lover on a business trip to Northern Ontario, except that he's a bear, as in not a human at all. But is it a bear or a symbol of the reaffirmation of her sexuality and a victory over her alienation from her own body, its desires and the sublimation of her needs into an eroticism that is palatable to men? It's a bear. Kell…

We're back and so are Heaven, Fanny, Logan, mean old ladies, and incest. It's time to dust off our hilbilly accents and pick up where we left off with the second installment of the Casteel series, Dark Angel by VC Andrews. Heaven may have made it out of the Willies, but desperate poverty and hunger are no match for new hardships like mazes and slig…

Baby balls and botheration, we had to read Karen Moline’s Belladonna for your listening displeasure. Have you ever longed to hear the seemingly unedited thoughts of a fat eunuch who is fat and also a eunuch? No? Too bad. Set in hundreds of locations over thousands of years, Tomassino (or Tassimo) tells the story of Ariel Nickerson, a young and fres…

We ventured into the frozen countryside and around the corner to bring you this inevitable special minisode about Sam Taylor-Wood's adaptation of EL James's Fifty Shades of Grey, a movie we thought we would hate, but maybe didn't? Is this episode almost as long as the movie (which was too long)? Maybe. Were we happy to see Charlie Tango? Definitely…

What do bottles, brothels and bladders of fat have in common? I wish I could say nothing. Tragically, however, the answer is Teleny, an upsetting attempt at Victorian erotica attributed to Oscar Wilde, although didn't the man suffer enough indignities to be spared this? Human delight Sarah joins Lexi in London to wade through this smutty imbroglio …

Ghosts, goblins and ghouls? That's nothing compared to crazy sweaters, wine metaphors and mixed-creature yoga. The scariest thing we've read so far is A Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness, all the more terrifying for being the first in a series. Never has an episode had more sing-talking or imitations, not to mention basic anger. Kelly does s…

The sun, the surf, palms trees nodding gently in the tropical breeze, laser discs and well-oiled sex slaves whimpering...Welcome to the all-inclusive resort you'll wish you'd never heard of, The Club, from Exit to Eden by Anne Rice (or Anne Rampling). Kelly and Lexi are joined by Fiona; this is her first dirty book and they are so very, very sorry.…

Yes, it's that Mark Gatiss and no, he shouldn't have: Lexi and J discuss Christian Fall's The King's Men from Nottingham. Ostensibly set during the English Civil War, this work of skin-crawling pornography made us angry and despairing in turns, what with its toe-sucking and impromptu orgies, the libel and all the sweat. If you like history or sex o…

While Lexi's gallivanting through the Highlands, Kelly does the next best thing and watches a sexy Scot ride through them on her television. The much anticipated Outlander series (based on the novels by Diana Gabaldon) premiered and all the right people saw it. Lori and Kelly discuss the lush brown hills, exposition coming to life, and hair. Do the…

So much is wrong, once again, in yet another implausibly dysfunctional family. Kelly and Lexi struggle to figure out just how inappropriate the relationships are in the first instalment of VC Andrews' series on the Catseel family, Heaven. Sexy kids, cloakroom shenanigans, fradulent ceramicists, hamster mutilation - you know, the usual. Stop making …

We were supposed to be on a break, but Lifetime made us do it. Kelly and Lexi emerge from rehab to join those kooky Dollangagers for more incest, more donuts and less charisma in Lifetimes Petals on the Wind. Listen as we have difficulty remembering a movie we just watched. We just can't seem to shake VC Andrews here at Somebody Wrote This...…

Kelly and Lexi wonder how these dumb cavemen managed to invent everything while doing nothing over 550 pages and 3 years. Neanderthal slurs, fur fruit rollups, domesticated lions, and portable crones - nothing can save this second installment of Jean M. Auel's Earth's Children (Clan of the Cave Bear) series from podcast infamy. Do not read this boo…

Just in time for Valentine's Day, enjoy/despise this tale of leather rooms, serial killer supplies and the classic British novel, plus helicopters. It's the book everyone pretends they didn't read, E.L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey. Christian and Anastasia defy the rules of English and basic human logic for 500 pages and we (almost) all went along f…

Kelly and Lexi watched Lifetime's actually a little bit good Flowers in the Attic movie and talked to Lexi's phone about it. Listen as Bart is lamented (again) and they struggle to remember the book's ending because of wine holes. Oh and the twins are still annoying.

Join Kelly, Lexi, Rachel and Lori back in Scotland with double the booze and half the memories. Kelly even comes up with a theme song for Diana Gabaldon's Outlander. Some of us have read it too much, some of us haven't read it at all, but all of us talk over each other anyway.

Kelly, Lexi and Lori commiserate about this baffling medieval romp that manages to slander the dead and fluster the living. Bagpipe outrage + wine = regret. Happy winter holidays and possible year change.

Kelly, Lexi and Rachel discuss the wonder of YA inappropriateness that is Flowers in the Attic by VC Andrews. Bonus if you like people that sound sick, people that say "like" a lot, people that talk over each other and Bart. Happy Halloween?

We introduce ourselves and banter stiffly for about 3 minutes. Our first selection, V.C. Andrews’ Flowers in the Attic, is announced. The world trembles.