Connections, Relationships, and Power: Palestine, Congo, Sudan, & Beyond

Blog - Dr. Donna Oriowo, Sex Therapist

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We are living in what feels like an unprecedented time. There are genocides galore and the feelings of powerlessness and voicelessness abound— wreaking havoc on our emotions, yes, but also likely giving a pretty heavy dose of vicarious trauma. You can’t watch the aftermath of bombing, see babies beheaded, and simultaneously hear some of our government officials say “you just don’t understand,” without wondering what fucking reality you are living in.

I don’t yet digress. I am a sex and relationship therapist. If I were you, I would be wondering why I am talking about this as though I have a modicum of expertise. After all, I am no political pundit. I would remind you that my expertise lies in understanding relationships, patterns, and power. And for me, that is all I see when I think about what is going on on the world stage. All I can see are connections, patterns, relationships, and power.

From Sudan, to Palestine. From the Cannes movie festival shenanigans to Diddy’s possible comeuppance; all I see are connections.

We are homegrown and our personalities spun around the concept of comfort. We want the easy thing that brings us a sense of comfort. White male comfort is the main priority but we can all get a piece if we play our roles. If you are a good white woman, you will get comfort and protection, if you are a good Black man, you will have some proximity to comfort and can use the Black woman to further that comfort mimicking dominant white structures. Let’s not forget that modeling after those whites who live in luxury, comfort, and power can also offer additional security— as long as you don’t get too uppity for your station. We want comfort so badly that we will use others to secure it. Hell, sometimes our very comfort depends on other people NOT having it, so we can feel that our brand of comfort is more special.

We are born into consumerism. We can buy our every whim and if you ain’t ballin’ out of control, you can get the imitation version of whatever the other people have. This desire to have more for less created Walmart, which killed small mom and pop shops. This desire created SHEIN, and fast fashion, here and abroad. And like a baby, who doesn't have object permanence, we are out of sight, out of mind people. If we don’t see what it costs to have our comforts, if we don’t immediately see the powers at play, we hardly care about it.

But this is micro level shit, mezzo at best. This is how we interact with the systems around us. More for less is how we shop to stretch a dollar because money doesn’t go as far as it used to. But why? I will tell you it's because of more for less. Companies want more for less, too. And why shouldn't they, they are made up of people, after all. They are us, wanting what we want. They want more labor for less money. So they keep wages as they are. They want to offer more, and pay less, so they source materials and goods from other countries so they can pad the profit. They want comfort that mimics the dominant white structures, so they try to get as close to slave labor without violating laws. And because comfort doesn’t feel real when other people have the same as you, just like how white folk will close a pool, remove public parks, and vote against universal healthcare because Black people would benefit from it, too, they also try to make dummies feel special by paying them more because they are white, or men, or a combination, regardless of how it hurts the bottom line because while money is important, maintaining the delusion white and male supremacy is always the most important.

Delusion: “something that is falsely or delusively believed or propagated.” Or to add a psychology def (still from Merriam's Dictionary): “a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary.”

Why act like mental health doesn’t matter? Because if it really matters and is actually done well, it can help disrupt racism, sexism, and how quickly we are devolving into fascism.

It is hard to believe that there are so many people who think it is reasonable to simultaneously want to eradicate genocides happening in Sudan, Congo, Haiti, Tigre, Palestine, etc. and still want to maintain the white and/or male supremacist ideal (or any of its derivatives). It’s completely wild to me that the connections aren’t seen. That the desirability politics therein aren’t explored. That the contradictory nature of wanting freedom-ish and continued oppression doesn’t give folk a fucking headache. Seriously, my flabbers are gasted. But not really. I understand that change, of any kind and especially of what is being demanded, activates the sympathetic nervous system. We are on our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn BIG TIME. So many of us, in our own ways, are enemies of progress. We want to keep our sexism, racism, colorism, texturism, and featurism because it makes us feel more powerful than those colored, darkies, kinky haired demons, and those Africans, respectively.

I think one of the most disappointing things is that we have injected our racism right into how we are engaging with what is happening on the global stage. Desirability politics are playing a huge role. On a micro level, we can say who we will and won’t date. Our “preferences” lead the conversation and we feel a right to them. We don’t want to examine them too closely though, otherwise we will see the role that power has had in making choices for us. People in power, who wield it as a weapon, have decided who is the most desireable. This desire has allowed those folk to be seen as actual people—worthy of love, respect, attention, affection, and certain “unalienable rights.” But what about when you are not so desired? What about when you are darker than the brown paper bag, hair reaching for the stars, when you are not rolling in dough, when you are said to be a helpmate to a leading man? Well, we know what happens when someone sees you as an undesirable other: Sudan happens. Haiti happens. Tigre happens. Congo happens. Palestine happens.

You want the genocides to stop while you engage in their less obvious (read: to you) siblings at home. Things that you see as less serious or less of an emergency. When you have that touch of otherness or power, Cannes musical festival shenanigans happen. Diddy having alleged years of abusing and harming others without real consequence, happens. The failure of our educational system means some of us don’t even understand that models of hate are exported from the U.S. – specifically the historical and continued mistreatment of Black people– to other spaces. Then they(other countries) perfect it a bit, put their own spin on it, and bring it right the fuck back. But people want to keep their global anti-blackness because it warms their cockles. Maintain the supposedly “natural” subservient place of a woman so they can know where they stand in relation. Because it gives a sick sense of pleasure and power.

You want peace at someone else’s expense— more for less.

As long as you, for the most part, receive the benefits you want, with minimal visible harm to you and the folk you directly know, you are willing to have others be harmed on your behalf. Especially if there is enough propaganda and thinly veiled “reasons” for others to suffer.

I wonder which half of us would still buy the thing if we could look into the eye of the person who lost a finger, a hand, a family, a life so that we could have it. If you had to talk to the people who were enslaved, bullied, cajoled, and harmed, would you still place the order? If you had to see the connections to the harm around you in every word, breath, and thought, how would you withstand it? If you couldn’t look away from it. If you couldn’t ignore it. If you grew into your object permanence. Consider it, I am writing this initial draft in google drive. Google, who has essentially created a monopoly with its search engine and is employing a “pay to play” and AI search — giving me things that are sponsored as opposed to what I am truly asking for. On an iPad from a company implicated in the ongoing harm in Sudan and Congo. In a house on Piscataway land. Wearing a robe and glasses that were made in China so I could have them cheaply. I am implicated. And so are you.

Unless, of course, you are one who is ready to fix your lips to tell those who suffer, to their faces, the tales of your ignorance and obvious lack of complicity. To tell them of your own victimhood and lay blame elsewhere.

There are levels to this both on a local and global level. We share responsibility. Yes, many of us are oppressed. But we are also oppressors. And the oppressed oppressor has work to do, too